Rivka Oratz Brings the Advice to You

What should I do if my child refuses to go to school? How involved should I be in my child's social life? What if I don’t approve of my daughter’s choice of clothing? Every parent has questions — and for the past three years, Eitzah has been providing answers on the Eitzah Hotline. Endorsed by Gedolim, the hotline is manned by trained volunteers who direct the vast range of queries to specific veteran mechanchim and mechanclios equipped to deal with that particular dilemma. Now, the “Chinuch Calls” column brings the advice to-you, with questions and answers culled "Off the Telephone Wires." Eitzah is a project of Mishkan Yechezkel. Mechanchim and mechanchos can be reached at 718-851-5111.

Targeted Chinuch

A Bull's-Eve Approach to a Child’s Needs

Caller:

My 12-year-old daughter seems unmotivated in every way. She neglects her duties at home and in school, procrastinates and refuses to learn time management skills. Her teachers are frustrated with her lateness and irresponsibility, and like I am constantly criticizing and prodding her. How can I help her improve in a positive way?

This call was answered by Mrs. Rivka Oratz, Hebrew Principal of Shulamith Middle School and an Eitzah volunteer.

Procrastination and lack of motivation are part of the human condition. In Mesilas Yesharim, in the perefe on zerizus (alacrity), Rav Moshe Chaim Luzzato, zt"l, describes the struggle against atzlus (laziness a lifelong battle. So while your | daughter’s issues are common, she needs proper chinuch to teach her to overcome them.

At the same time, it is important to realize that your daughter’s lack of motivation may also stem from a lack of self-esteem. I would define self-esteem as "the overall good feeling a child should have about herself and her ability to succeed.” When a child feels good about herself and her ability to succeed, she is naturally motivated. Your daughter’s lackadaisical attitude may reflect a feeling that her efforts are futile, and therefore not worth an investment of much energy.

It is good that you want to work on the issue now, while your daughter is in the pre-adolescent stage. From my experience in both high school and middle school, I have developed a panoramic view of the long-term effects of chinuch. I have come to the realization that, while efforts to mold and build children must be made at every stage, efforts at the middle- school stage are particularly important. These are the crucial years before adolescence. Your efforts now will go a long way, both in preventing difficulties and in tapping into your daughter’s potential. Later, in the high school years, issues can get more difficult and sophisticated. It is crucial to optimize every opportunity you have now to lay a good foundation for your daughter’s self-esteem.

You can strengthen your daughter's belief in herself by giving her opportunities to succeed and feel needed. You and her teachers may need to create those opportunities. I like to use what I call “the Dubno Maggid’s arrow approach,” based on the following anecdote.

The Vilna Gaon once asked the Dubno Maggid how he had an appropriate mashal for every situation. The Maggid answered with a mashal.

Once there was a person who came across a cluster of trees, each bearing an archer’s target. Amazingly, there was an arrow in the bull’s eye of each circle of rings. When the man complimented the archer on his remarkable skill, the archer replied, “It’s easy. First I throw the arrow; then I draw the rings.”

The Dubno Maggid explained that he, too, "Throws the arrow first” — he takes a story, and “draws” the lesson he needs to teach around it.

As parents and teachers, we sometimes have to “throw the arrow"' first — determine the need of the child, and then “draw the rings’ by creating a situation that wall engage the child in making it work.

As we impart our mesorah to our children, it is crucial to realize that very often a child’s positive or negative associations regarding Yiddisheit are directly linked to her self-esteem

 At home, you might enlist the help of a neighbor or relative who can ask your daughter to baby-sit or care for her child while she is busy. It might be best to engineer the situation — to "draw the rings” — so that your daughter has to follow a schedule of feeding or put the child to sleep at a certain time. The "employer" might subtly influence your daughter’s time management skills by suggesting that your daughter create a written schedule and check off each task as it is done, so that she completes all her duties by the time she is ready to get paid.

In this way, your daughter, who probably perceives your guidance as criticism, is taken out of the role of the prodded, irresponsible child. Instead, she is now in the driver’s seat. She is in control of a situation. The fact that she is being paid for her efforts further enhances her positive feelings. She will probably be motivated to perform, and will see the value of responsibility and time management without lectures and prodding. It may also be necessary for you to discreetly subsidize your daughter’s wages.

You can also enlist the help of the school. A teacher could create a job that will give your daughter a sense of fulfillment. She might, for instance, ask her to be a "big sister" to a younger child. The job does not necessarily have to relate to your daughter’s issues. Rather, it’s a way to motivate her and build her self-esteem, by having her do something well and be commended or praised for it.

Incidentally, when parents and teachers praise children, they need to know that children do not usually believe general compliments, such as "You’re amazing.” They believe praise for specific accomplishments, such as, "You did a great job relaxing the kids before bed.”

Specific praise will make your daughter feel that you truly think highly of her — and when a child senses that her parents and teachers think well of her,-she thinks well of herself. Her enhanced self-esteem energizes and motivates her to invest energy into succeeding.

There is another important aspect to this. As we focus on imparting our mesorah to our children, it is crucial for parents and teachers to realize that very often, a child’s positive or negative associations regarding Yiddishfeeit are directly linked to her self-esteem. If a child feels that her parents and teachers see and respect her positive qualities, it is natural for her to feel positive about the values they impart. If she feels that her parents and teachers do not recognize her strengths and are constantly criticizing her, there is a possibility that she will have negative associations with the values they teach.

These associations can be difficult to uproot. Kiruu professionals often deal with adults who find it hard to get past negative associations that were processed in their minds when they were young.

When you engineer situations around your child’s needs, you not only use an invaluable resource for building her self-esteem and strengths; you also increase your effectiveness in inculcating Yiddishkeit and mesorah in a most positive, solid, durable manner.